"You're with us for a life time little guy, enjoy the ride"...

I share this as I think some can relate even if it is of the personal nature.

Tonight at midnight, my husband I spoke about being the parents we hope to be. As I have said before, we have not had that much time to talk and I've noticed that I feel a bit more outwardly and he has been holding things inside.

The dust has settled a bit and it has been time to reflect over the last couple of days of the the year we have had. This year has been full of loss, whether it be cherished pets we have had in our lives for a long time or the loss of children or the hardship of knowing loved one's have to endure serious health complications or loss of livelihood. Basically, it has been a year of constant challenges and struggles and we hope we can go home and settle in for the last two months to just be. As we thought about how we would like to end the year, we began to talk about how we want to be as parents.

Being a parent is difficult, often complicated and yet the most rewarding experience of a life time. It is just that, one for life. Today, I looked at Ewan and said, "well you're with us for a life time little guy, enjoy the ride".

Growing up, my grandmother was very stoic, simply said, "Do what you need to do for yourself." This was in highschool. That was it. Simple and to the point.

Michael and I have so many goals and we hope to be able to meet them and we will work as hard as we can to do so:

1) Work hard for our family but most of all, be present, physically and emotionally.

2) Know when our children need us even when it seems as if they are fine. I hope I can be someone our children will want to call, will want to come over for coffee and just sit. Later in life I may not be their first choice but I want us to be a choice. Our job is to be there, any time, anywhere, no matter what is happening in our lives at age 2, age 18, age 37, god willing and then some.

3) Parents who listen, not just with our ears but with our hearts and hear the unsaid. (similar to above but needed to be separated).

4) Nurture, love and be open minded. To show our children the world and let them choose their paths to their own happiness. We will be there to guide them every step of the way.

We love our children more than anything and we need them to know, no matter what, we are there to laugh with them, to protect them, to cry with them, to be proud of them, to give them the world and to be parents that in 20 years they say they are pretty damn cool parents.

None of us can be perfect but we can go out of our way to be there.

The day we found out we lost our little girl, just after 2 personal losses we had suffered just days before leaving Russia, my mother got on skype, she was so angry and so full of emotion. Her protective side came out and believe me, it is not one you want to stand in the way of. She has gone after a burgler in her nightgown lol.

She is often busy and does not have the time she would've liked in life to be there for us. I know as she would say when she had a couple of days off, I like being home, able to cook and keep up with things. Before I go off track, the most important thing she did for us was ask questions:

How are you both doing? How is Michael? How are you? How are you really? I know you are not fine. How can this happen?

The next day, How are you? What's going on? How is Michael? Are you feeling okay? Take your vitamins. You need all of the help you can get. What are you feeling?

The next day, How are you both? I know you're not okay. Thus, I finally wasn't okay and began crying. I knew she was probably one of the few who would just sit there, hear me and tell her I am not okay.

I reached out finally. This situation and things that happened just before we left could not possibly have given us the super hero steel we so wished we could have as things began to crumble even more than we thought could.

Our families are often quite strong, stoic and do not talk things out. I will say, in our deepest moments, my mother became the parent I needed most at a time when I felt completely alone.

As Michael and I spoke about all of the different qualities we need to have, to push for, we spoke of the one that seems often to be the one that is most needed. We want to be the parents that just listen. The parents that on some level may be able to relate to our children and say, "We're here."

I suppose it takes these moments to know just how human we are when we are forced to take off the cape and symbol of strength. After all, life was never meant to be an easy road so Alexei and Ewan, enjoy the ride and know we will always be there when life is paved and when the road has no longer become a clear path.