Mulling over Adoption and Loss- A Personal Story from my Son

I was saving this story for when we came back home with our little girl: Alexei and I were sitting on a chair looking at baby home #3's children. I was scrolling down the photos. Our first girl referral was on the wall. Alexei didn't think that was his sister. As we went through the photos, Alexei stopped me and yelled, "That's my sister!" and I said "Who? Her?" pointing at the referral we didn't know we were about to receive once we arrive in Russia after losing our first girl. I said to Alexei, "No, that is not your sister", pointing to the wall at our first girl. He was very serious and said, "No, that is my sister!" Pointing to a photo online at a girl.

When we arrived in Russia after a very difficult week trying to get there, we found out we lost our first girl. We were sent a new girl and guess who that girl was? The girl Alexei pointed out as his sister. My mouth dropped and I just sat there staring at this girl with tears in my eyes. I said to Michael who knew the story, "That's the same girl Alexei chose out of all of those photos!" He said to me, "I know, it was meant to be".

Those who heard this story often said to me, "See, it was meant to be. It's fate." I was waiting to tell this story because I knew it would give her away possible for those who know how to get there.

The truth is, it wasn't meant to be. Although my son chose our next referral before we knew, she wasn't meant to be his sister. Now, having said this, he is still head strong on this girl. In fact, he hugged her when he met her without our prompting. I look at the video of them together and it seemed so natural. She just loved him for some reason and he loved her. I go into tears as I write this as my son is still so attached for some reason to this girl who has been taken away from us and yet he thought he knew all along and still does that this is his sister.

When I was passing through videos the other day, he caught a glimpse of the video with he and this girl and he yelled out, "I want her! This one!"

People say fate brought you to this new little boy and I say, fate has a sick way of bringing us to things. I am not happy with fate right now. Maybe a year to come but this little girl will never leave our hearts and obviously my son's heart who chose her long before we knew her.


Part 2:

We do not have a huge amount of downtime just yet and we will be adjusting to transitions in no time.

I have been thinking of our little girls room as I know it is something I must face when I return home so that I can have it ready for our little boy, Ewan.

9 pairs of shoes, raincoats, sweater dresses, like 10 pairs of girlie pants and jeans, ruffled skirts, several onesies, beautiful dresses (quite a few), hair bands, clips, lots of pink stuffed animals, pink Paris bedding, pink and black walls with pale green, princess books lining the shelves, princess and Alice framed Disney lithographs on the walls, our first pink converse for her, tights, girlie socks, knitted girlie flower hats and do I go on?

All I can say is wow, that girl was set and we hadn't even had the baby shower in California yet.

Thank goodness for hand me downs, although lol that will be another few months before he will be in those. Super hero shirts here we come. He may be stuck with pink stuffed animals though. The rest will have to be boxed and stored some where. I hope to one day have the boys share a room and maybe turn the current room into a play room.

Tough to figure it all out. I guess the hurdle is, get through it, do it and move forward, which is our goal. My parents will be flying in to help with the changes and we will figure out what we can do. I may just take the pink out of the walls.

I often walk around with a lump in my throat and imagine this is normal and expected. Michael has on display her teddy bear in our room from Korea. It is a beautiful teddy bear we got her before our first trip. It is hard to see but this is how he copes.

I guess I wish at times she was not so attached. She wasn't so huggy. She would've just been eh, okay you guys are here again to see me. Alas she was all of the opposite. A bright, cheery girl who smiled all of the time, in every photo and on every video. She hugged us all of the time. Even when they told Michael, she is not used to men, she may be scared, she just jumped into his arms like it was nothing. She was just soooo incredible. I know fate has it's ways but put me in a boxing ring with fate for a bit because honestly the road is often just too bumpy and I know many of you mothers out there, no matter what you have experienced with loss, know what I am saying.

Adoptive parents and often birth parents have so much to go through. Miscarriages, stillborns, loss that is so great that it is unimaginable to have to go through it often multiple times. We didn't get here easily, we got here because we went through so much loss, we chose adoption.

Today my son asked me, "Where is Papa?" And I said, "Papa is visiting your brother." And Alexei asked, "When will he visit my sister?" Here we are a week or so later and my son is still fighting the loss. At 3 he knows so much and yet at 2 he remembers and knows so much even where he came from, his baby home and Russia. We often think oh, they will not remember such things but it is what happens now that often shows how we deal with things down the road.

I know Alexei will eventually love his little brother but for now he will fight us I think until I bring Ewan home and he sees him at his house and the advantages of having a brother.

All of these things in adoption are so great, extremely trying and you just keep chugging along. I cannot be more grateful to have Alexei and know how many families out there have been created by adoption. The happiness in the long run brings all of these trials worth it. Our little girls will be in our hearts forever. The first one we connected with for 5 weeks through a simple photo and the second girl who we deeply attached too.